I have had a lot of questions since announcing we would be adopting. I think the most common question is do you have a baby yet? In the excitement of the news, everyone immediately jumps to the baby. My aunt actually jumped out of her chair and wanted to see a picture of the baby. I first laughed and enjoyed her excitement, then had to explain that we weren't there yet. There is no sonogram picture to see. This adoption is a process that takes a lot of time, sweat, and tears. In the end though, there will be a sweet cheeky smile on these pages for all to see.
I have also received a lot of messages from you all about how it works. You want to know about the process itself, and I'd like to do my best to slowly walk you through this journey. For reasons hopefully understandable, I will not share every last detail. There are some things that just need to be for us and our child. There are also details that are just not appropriate to discuss. These items are minor so I hope you don't mind our modesty.
So today, I'm going to start with one of those inappropriate details. It is the second most commonly asked question so far, and I feel it bares discussion and explanation for why I will not be sharing all the details.
How much does the child cost?
Well, I would like to begin answering this question very simply. I'm not purchasing a child. This is not a dog or pet. I'm not going to the pound (or DCS) and buying a kid. This response may come across a little insensitive, but please, look back at the question. I will try to always help you understand how curiosity makes an adoptive family feel. This will be a repeated conversation. I know that when I'm asked this question, the person doing the asking is not trying to imply that I'm buying my baby. I know, too, that they do not realize the wording they have chosen is unpleasant. I would just like you to begin to understand the thought behind the question. Think please before asking.
Now, on to answering the question....."more than most people can imagine paying." This has become my answer. Sometimes, my response is followed by a number guestimate, usually not near high enough. I try to smile and say, "not exactly..."
For those closest to me, I have spoken of the actual numbers. You do have to remember that in the Army, your pay is public record so its spoken of more often with close friends than would be in the civilian sector. Our spouses all make the same amount. So with my close friends and our parents we have shared some specifics. When asked to go out last week, we simply declined and said we had adoption expenses this month, and they totally understood.
For others, its simply inappropriate to discuss, but the answer is pretty simple to find. Just do a google search, and I am sure you will find some numbers that make your head spin.
Mike had a soldier of his say, "you mean it isn't free?" In fact, a lot of people believe that it should be affordable. Think of all the children out there that need good homes, and the seemingly growing infertility rates for couples who desperately desire to parent. Surely, we could make these match up in a way that benefits everyone. Realistically, medical care, counseling, the legal system, and background checking cost...a lot. If a mom has no insurance, someone has to be responsible for those costs. We need the attorneys to make sure that our adoption is legal and cannot be revoked. Society as a whole would agree that we need to make sure adoptive families are wholesome and loving people who will care for children responsibly and with integrity. All these things cost some amount and someone has to flip the bill.
In almost all cases, the responsible party is the adoptive parent(s). And I believe this is justified. I want to pay these costs to ensure the well-being of the child. I am willing to pay these costs not to become a parent, but to give everything to a child. We are called to care for the orphans, and Mike and I feel that we are answering that call, knowing fully the cost required.
We recently sat down with our financial guy, M. He was nice and pleasant when we discussed the adoption cost, but in the end I know he thinks we are crazy. Now, to his defense, he is young and not in a fathering place in his life. He doesn't think the amount is crazy. He understands numbers and the services associated with those numbers. At one point when discussing our timeline to get to that magic number he said, "you are sacrificing too much." Really? Wow, I was a little speechless when he said this.
Sacrifice is a word that you need to get used to if you are considering not only adoption, but parenting in general. It is a labor of love, and yes, you will be asked to make many, many sacrifices. Those of you that are parents, know this well and yet may not have ever stopped to give it much thought. I know that when M said that word in our meeting, I hadn't considered anything that we had done thus far a sacrifice. The things in this world that I may have passed on were just not meant for me. I don't need to eat out all the time. It's unhealthy anyway. And I don't need this season's hottest looks, as long as the clothing I have is clean and presentable. I don't have to get an iPhone 5 as long as I don't miss the important call from Afghanistan or the one that tells me I'm a mom. So sure, I will sacrifice it all. It's just stuff anyway.
Now that I've given my two cents about the question of money itself, I would like to offer some advice for achieving the goal.
1. There are some resources that will aid in the cost process.
The Federal Tax Credit is a huge item on the list. This will pay for about a quarter of our adoption. The tricky part is that it is a reimbursement so you do have to find a way to cover your costs up front. I love that this credit helps us map out how to pay back any amount of loan we might need in the end. The max for 2012 is $12,650 and is file with your taxes the year your adoption is final.
***Since writing this, I have learned that for 2012 this credit has become just a deduction. Bummer. Talk to your tax accountant for details and current status. I am praying that Congress decides to make this a permanent part of the tax law and restores the reimbursement status. Updated 12/5/12***
2. Check with your employer to see what benefits might be available. There is a reimbursement for military families. We can get $2000 for the adoption. Again, its just a reimbursement, but aides in the payment process...or maybe just the diaper/formula fund as it can take quite a while to get this one.
3. Try to make a timeline. When do you want to have a baby in your home? Then work backwards to determine when you need to go "active" (meaning you can be matched with a mom). At the point of activation you need to have the cash in hand to finish the adoption. That can be a huge chunk. From there you can make a plan on how to save for that special day.
Here, is a link to a good basic timeline for the process.
4. When you make a timeline, break up the costs. Not every thing is done at once and the adoption process can take a while anyway. Figure out what expenses are incurred during each phase and see how long you have until the next phase. This helps to take a huge intimidating number and make it look less scary. You will find that so many expenses can be saved for accordingly and paid easily at each step in the process.
5. Get a finance guy. Even though M thinks we might be nuts, he is a great resource. He has given us a plan already to make Adoption #2 "less of a sacrifice", I guess. If you are thinking that adoption may be in your future talking with someone about how to save and invest is key. There are types of investments out there that are doing well and can help you obtain the goal in 3-5 years. If you have that kind of time, then go for it now. We will be saving for #2 as soon as this adoption is final. If you do this and for some reason don't choose adoption, you have a car fund or a new house fund or a college fund ready to go. Its a win-win.
6. Make sure that the organization you choose to work with has a contingency plan. A huge fear in adoption is losing a baby and therefore, losing all the money spent trying to bring that baby home. Some agencies will minimize that risk. If Mike and I have a failed adoption we will only be out maybe a couple thousand. That risk was worth the effort for us because our agency will take the hit if a mom changes her mind.
7. Apply for every grant you can find and qualify for. In reality, Mike and I are not counting on a single grant, but you better believe that I have a stack of them waiting to be filled out. After your homestudy is complete (I'll explain more later), you can apply for these. There are many types of grants, and they can be found all over the internet.
8. Fundraise like a crazy person. There are so many fun and profitable fundraisers out there. Again google search and select a few that can be done at different times and will appeal to your friends, family, church, and community. We have a few in the works that you will be seeing soon. Have fun with it.
9. Make sure that you are sharing your plans so that others know. People love to see others life brightened, and they love seeing dreams come true. It gives us all hope. Share as much of your journey as you feel comfortable, but make sure people know. We have received so much support and prayers, not to mention monetary support. If people are praying and giving, share with them how their love for you is shaping your family.
10. Don't stress. Adoption is something we are called to, and God's timing in perfect and ordained. If you get delayed a month don't sweat it. The child God is leading you to has a birthday appointment that has already been set. He's going to make sure that you are ready for that day. You will not miss the appointment.
Wow, this is a lot of information. If you have more questions, please comment below. I want to share as much as I can. Please don't hesitate. It wasn't too long ago that I was where you are and wanted to know everything I could.
