In the Midst of Battle

Lately, I have been seriously struggling. I hide it pretty well, not even my husband notices. One of my closest friends even applauded my great attitude and optimism. Of course, I thanked her and then went right on to politely explain that truthfully I'm broken on the inside. I have been learning a lot about trials and challenging times lately. It isn't really what I want to hear about, but I can't seem to escape it. After nearly two and a half years of trying to have a child, I'm ready for the finish line to be insight. I feel like God is saying "this is just half time. There is more."


I want so badly to scream out in defeat. I'm constantly watching others get pregnant and have their babies. Oh and then there are the ones that I really just want to take a baby away from because "who gave them permission to procreate?" That is really a hateful thought and overly honest, but I know you know what I'm talking about. Really I am so excited for all of my friends and really anyone who is lucky enough to be blessed with a child. It is a new life. How could you not be so thrilled for them?!


The tough part really is excepting that it isn't my turn yet. This past Sunday our pastor was recovering from a knee surgery and one of our elders spoke. He is wise, but guest speakers are hard for me to pay attention to a lot of times. This was different. We have been studying the prophet Daniel. Last week, the passage on the Seventy Sevens taught us that restoration comes out of challenging times, and of course, we never know just how long these challenges will last. God will not be rushed. The elder preached from Habakkuk, about crying out to God when we are in the midst of trials. The title of his sermon summed it up pretty well, "When It All Just Doesn't Make Any Sense."Although we can be angry with the situation or even at God for allowing it, we should always be clinging to God and never turning away from his good purpose even if we can't comprehend it. It may be difficult to understand, but it is always good.


So am I screaming mad at God?....not really. I'm brokenhearted and confused and unnaturally optimistic. The unnatural part is, of course, the result of God's grace. If I didn't have him to cling to in this battle, I would not be surviving so well.


In your challenges, no matter how big or small, look at the big picture that God has for you. I mean take a real big leap back to see the entire canvas, if you even can. What are you learning? How are you growing? Three things are certain. God loves his children. God is faithful in his covenants. And we are called to trust and persevere in Him.

Disclaimer

When I originally sat down to create and maintain a blog, my intentions were to simply share our life with our family and friends. It was easy. Being in the Army meant moving often and eventually farther and farther away from "home." No big deal, just little updates. That didn't last long.

When I was diagnosed with my fertility issues, everything in my life changed for better or worse, including the blog. I still of course want to share everything the Army and life throws at us, but I cannot keep from focus on what is most important in my life.

I watched part of a documentary on Netflix today called "This Emotional Life." Not my normal choice of lunchtime entertainment, but it was interesting, even fascinating at moments. At one point a psychologist discussed conflict as something that is good and important to our relationships. Mmm....so we shouldn't wish for world peace???

The more I think about it, I believe this man was correct on so many levels. If there were no conflicts, if we didn't have different perspectives, what would this world look like? Yes, war is tragic and for the sake of all mankind should try to be avoided, but on an individual level our differences are beautiful. Without our differences, there would be no conflict. We would all see eye to eye, we would agree on every level. Our lives would mirror each other. It would be boring and what need for  interacting would we have?

Instead, we are different. Because we are different, we can read each others blogs and learn from each others experiences. That is what I want. I want to learn as much as I can about my fertility problems, concerns, and options and share that information with women who need it. So I will not apologize for the realness and truth that I share, but be forewarned it may not always be pleasant. My posts are categorized by topic at the top of the blog. Read what you want. For those that are reading to learn, I hope I can share enough to help.